In the midst

                   So, every one is sitting at home sheltering-in-place, well they should be. Since we've been doing this for over 2 weeks now everyone is surely getting house-a-tosis aka Cabin Fever. This COVID-19 virus that is running rampant through our nation is scary. People are getting sick, dying, losing loved ones, losing jobs, the economy is losing income, kids are out of school and driving their parents crazy. This is something that we will never forget. This is something we will have to rebuild from. We are scared to go to the store for food or toiletries. When this all started people went absolutely crazy buying up all the bread, toilet paper, milk, hand sanitizer, diapers, wipes etc. It was definitely mass hysteria. The immediate access to media and social media definitely make the news and frightening things way more prominent and in view. Ever heard of the saying, "Out of sight, out of mind?" Well that's what I wanted. I didn't want it constantly on my mind. But every time you get on FB there it is... news, memes, just regular posts about COVID-19 and it's trails of destruction throughout the US.  

                As I sit here day after day I just have to wonder what am I doing with my life? I haven't worked full time since November and that is another story all on it's own. But this is a factor in why I feel the way I feel. I worked PRN in November and December and a day here and there in January. Ended up being home February and the beginning of March before I had Brody. I had been looking for a job since August and went on several job interviews with no luck. I started thinking to myself, was I a bad PA? What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I secure a job? I started to really doubt my abilities. Right before Brody was born COVID-19 had to rear it's ugly head. The day we went in to induce they changed the visiting regulations. I could only have my husband in the room. I was okay with this but since we had other kids at home he didn't stay with me at night he left and it was just Brody and I overnight. The restrictions got worse over the next few days. And now I keep Brody in my room and really don't bring him out. Not in some crazy fear of him getting germs but just keeping him somewhat protected. Dustin is an essential worker and he goes to work every day. He mainly comes into contact with trucks and not people so it doesn't make me that scared but there is still a possibility. I also have to go to the store and I'm really dreading it.
       
          Okay so back to the thought of a calling. What is my calling? I honestly have no idea. All I know is that at this present time I know that my soul is not fulfilled. I do not feel content in my life with where I'm at. I love having kids and have 6 beautiful sons. The reproduction ship has now sailed and I won't be having anymore children. I love being a Physician Assistant but not here in the Midwest. We are so restricted and there are so many Nurse Practitioners saturating the field that it's hard for us to get a job. I have had several conversations about that with recruiters. I have wanted for the longest time to go back to medical school but then I feel like entering at 36 or 37 years old is too old. I'd want to be surgeon but in order to do that I would have had to enter when I was like 21. I also have wanted several times to either go back into active duty Air Force or National Guard. Right now that would be stunted because I just had a baby and you can't commission until the child is 1 year old. It may be a possibility. I'm pursuing my second Masters degree in Divinity because I do feel like I have a calling from God. I just don't know what it is yet. I think that is part of this calling and not knowing what it is. I'm currently not bringing in a paycheck so this weighs heavy on my heart and mind. I thank God for the blessings of health and that Dustin has a job currently. I'm also going to keep listening to the book The Call: Finding and Fulfilling the Central Purpose of Your Life by Os Guinness. I'm hoping this helps with direction, calling and purpose. My husband mentioned that maybe I needed to go on a walkabout. That is where you go on a journey to find one's self or purpose. The longer I sit in quarantine aka Shelter-in-place the longer I stew on what is not fulfilling me. I feel like my life is missing something. I need to know what it is. And I'm on a mission to find it. This can't be all there is to life.